I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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