God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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