My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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