my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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