"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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