I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
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