I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
