Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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