Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
So much rum. So many feels.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
