Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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