A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
