So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
