That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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