Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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