And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
