why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
