I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
