i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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