I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
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