I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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