After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
