Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
they need to just BURY HIM!
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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