You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
