ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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