if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
