How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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