Need sex. Gaining weight.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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