Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
