he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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