In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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