So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
