what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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