I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
