I can tuck mytits in my pants
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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