I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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