Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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