half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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