...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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