somebody snuck up and got me drunk
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
is that a dick in a sweater?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
