Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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