your parents love me but you hate me
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
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Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
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Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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