Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
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