i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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