If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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