You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
