walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
