I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
