Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
dude i'm inner monologue high
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
