she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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