We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
