I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
