Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
