as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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