i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
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Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
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My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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