do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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