So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Randomize
