I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
